How it all began…the search for the Love

It all began a few days ago when I discovered that sometime in the past I have made a decision not to allow anyone to Love me truly and deeply. It was a discovery that deeply shattered my soul and my heart.

It was a decision made by a broken heart and this energy is here with me for ages. Me who always wanted to know what unconditional Love is, me who always suffered and begged God for Love to come in to my life, now all of a sudden discoveries that a part of me really does not want it. What a vicious circle that is…

The knowing was always there and there were moments when I could feel it inside as a terrible, painful emotion. It would happen in the moments when a man would express his deepest feelings to me. It was those moments when you really truly feel, that the other person really means what he/she is telling you. Although it lasted for maybe just a few seconds or a minute, I was very aware of it. While observing the energy of  love approaching me from the other Soul, the awkward emotion would start to rise inside of me.  In those moments I wished I could run away, I wished not to see this person anymore in my life. I would look at him and thinking; “Go away, I do not want you in my life anymore. You are disgusting”.

Of course the other person never realized this battle inside of me, as I would surpress it and everything would go back to normal after a few minutes.  I questioned myself why this is happening as I really loved the person too, but obviously it was not the proper time to know it, or as I would say it: not ripe enough.

Through my life I always had relationships with men who were unavailable, who lived far away from my country or far away from my home town. I was suffering because of it deeply, but could never actually see that this way I gave myself the ability to control my life and actually the freedom of not being involved in to the relationship deeply.  I cried for Love and begged for Love, but deep down never wanted Love but someone who will run after me and tell me I am the best.  In playing games I was the best…There was actually a past life where I was a Gypsy and changed men like socks, so I was pretty much in to it and knew the methods very well  ).

But the time has come to face this fear ( and yes it is a big Fear ).  The same awkward emotion hit me again just recently and it happened through a girlfriend of mine. I always thought it can only happen with men, but she showed me that it does not matter, love is love.  She only had to say to me that I am her best friend and she loves me a lot, when it started to come to the surface again. I battled with my Self ( the lower part of myself ) because in that moment I wanted to withdraw from her and not see her again.  I was thinking to myself: just do not get attached to me, go away…

It was horrible because not only I am talking about my best friend, but the person who I loved very much.  But she was only the trigger to get it out on the Sun again and let me look at it now with the new sight. I spoke to my spiritual teacher Maitreya and he said it is a fear coming from the past life, many actually and it was there for a long, long time. He gave me the affirmation to repeat, to change my subconscious energy.

In one of my meditations I discovered where it all began ( I was actually told about it 2 years ago by Maitreya, but did not feel anything. This shows how deeply some things can be buried ).  It started with a past life with a man I know very well in this life too. He was my pimp and I was a prostitute.  I was his best and was a beautiful woman and with time he feel deep in love with me and vice versa. I wanted him to marry me but he would always find excuses not to do it as it was a boundary that he could not cross. The fact that a men with his reputation would marry a prostitute, was to frightening for him. After years of not changing the situation I finally realized he is not going to do it and the only thing I could do is to run away from him, which is what I did.  In that moment I made a decision never to allow anyone to hurt me again. I knew he loved me in his way, but the feeling that I was not good enough for him and actually was selling my body for him, was very painful and tore my heart apart.  After that life I was only playing with men, avoiding the true love to come in to my life when actually my soul was craving for it. What actually happened in the  moments when men would express their love, was the emotion I had from that life and the thought: It does not matter if you love me…you will still hurt me. I am not good enough for you anyway.

Having the unfulfilled love life I had, the only source for Love was God and the spiritual world. My guardians gave me the feeling of protection and support and whole of my life I was living more in the fantasy than in the reality of the Earthly world. But if you are truly on the search and on your path; than the time comes when you have to face all of your fears and with me it started now with the realization of the deepest fear I had, that I have mentioned above.  I am aware of where it comes from and have to start the path of releasing it, releasing the energy and probably go through some painful time of crying. It is not pleasant to go through the fact that you do not find yourself good enough and not worthy of love.  So it is also a lesson for me to start to find the love for myself.  In dedication to this I am making  a photo album of my pictures and am observing them everyday and telling to myself how wonderful I am. In the past I always thought I am just moderate and overweight. Now I have to find this love for myself and really see the beauty that is inside and outside. This is the true emerging of the male and female energies inside, when you do not need the approval from the outside anymore, but are content in your feelings for yourself.  In starting to love myself I know this Love will start to overflow from my heart and embrace everyone around me. As my dearest friend and teacher Margaret would say: “You can not heal the world unless you heal yourself”.

I am channel for a beautiful energy called Lady Nada. She represents and teaches about the unconditional Love from the world of Spirit. I always wondered why we chose to work with each other but now I do understand. She will be able to teach through me now the energy of unconditional love as I am going to truly experience it from the dephts of my heart and soul. And she was there with her beautifull energy the whole of my life to encourage me to be what  I am today.

In Love and Light for myself and everyone.

Natalija